Marriage

This past Saturday, my friends Elissa and Max got married. Ira and I were asked to write a blessing about marriage and friendship. I quoted Camus:"Don't walk ahead of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Camus has captured the essence of what happens in a relationship when you are older. You are truly equals. Once the children, the domestic chores, the need to prove yourself at work have already happened, you are freed up to be equal partners in love, respect and friendship. There is no more tit for tat: I did this and you did that and on and on. The two partners are both free and independent people; consequently, there is nothing left to prove. Ira and I, in our blessing, elaborated the partnership of Elissa and Max, based on love, admiration and respect. They do not need each other; instead, they want each other. And they are fully formed people. In your twenties and even thirties, you are doing battle with becoming a person, establishing a sense of self, feeling confident and secure in your choices. This is such an evolutionary process, so that age group is often plagued with work and personal insecurities. And jealousy; others seem to have it better than you.

This is gone at sixty. I should know. I feel so confident in my voice, in my choices, in who I am, and I feel strength in that voice I did not have years ago. Of course, this idea of marrying later does not work, so you often marry younger because often procreation is such a motive for marriage. But you marry as an unformed person, and you have to struggle with your partner, who is also unformed. The divorce rate is often high because there are so many fights along the way as you discover who you are.

All of this is gone for Elissa and Max. They are two fully formed people, equal partners, both independent and so very happy. And I am so happy for them. I, too, feel happy that I fought the fight it takes to make my own marriage work, though the work was not always easy.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

I admire strong women. All of the female characters in my books speak their minds. I raised a daughter who speaks her mind; she does not defer to men. What is most important is for a woman to stand up and be counted. One woman who has done this so well is Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who counts her mother, husband and in-laws as advocates for her to surge forward. Her mother counseled her constantly to "Be independent, be able to fend for herself, whatever fortune might have in store for her." Her teachers were also pivotal in inspiring her, to get her to think critically.When she was starting law school, and pregnant, her father-in-law told her, "Ruth, if you want to start law school, you have a good reason to resist the undertaking. No one will think the less of you if you make that choice. But if you really want to study law, you'll stop worrying and find a way to manage school and a child." She did. She got a nanny, at a time when it was not popular, but when she got home at four, she gave herself up to her child, until she went to sleep. This, too, I admire. Parenting should not be sacrificed in the name of a profession. And both her children, a son and a daughter, admire her as a mom and as a worker. But the best line comes in today's NYT who she has had such a wonderful marriage and worked so well on the Supreme Court, as well as other jobs she has had: "It helps sometimes to be a little deaf. It works in marriage and at the courts." Sometimes you just have to pretend not to listen-and forge ahead with your intellect, passion and privilege. Way to go, Ruth Ginsburg for your demonstration of what a woman could and should be!

Ella

My granddaughter turned two yesterday. She is sunshine wherever she goes. I know every grandparent feels that way about his or her grandchild, but I know LOTS of children: I babysat for years; I have worked with younger children and I had my own children. No one I know EVER exuded her gregarious, but sweet personality. She loves people, says hi to so many people, calling them man or lady, when she does not know their names. She is wildly affectionate, grabbing me by the leg, kissing and hugging spontaneously with such warmth and generosity. And she says I love you, from the bottom of her heart. This is clearly such a a loved child, since she is able to give love so easily. And she is very happy; she exudes happiness. Our family is so blessed to have her in our lives. Every day is a new gift with her and from her.

Happy birthday, Ella!

Apples and Honey

This past Monday and Tuesday was the Jewish New Year: Apples and Honey. I am not a particularly religious person, but I do believe in karma. Why is this so important? It is the superstitious part of me: if I honor my ancestors; if I give thanks to those who came before me; if I acknowledge my heritage and take pride in it, good things will come my way. I may not believe in a God, but I believe in prayer. When things are dark, I pray to some unknown God; sometimes that "God" is my father, now deceased. I believe he would not want for me to suffer. What parent would ever want his or her child to suffer?

I also believe it is good to reflect on what we have done RIGHT and WRONG. It is important to acknowledge ones imperfections and try to do better. I think of myself as imperfect. Who isn't? But as a reflective person, I can think about what I can do to try to do better. I may not always succeed, but at least I have tried.

Considering my formative years were challenged ones, I would like to believe the many good things that have come to me as an adult are a consequence of being kind, compassionate and trying to do better. It is Aristotle who said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I try to examine my life, so that I can say-at the end of the day-it was a worthwhile one!

Jewish New Year

Yesterday was the first day of the Jewish New Year. How remarkable that the FEMALE rabbi addressed the social unrest in the world. The reason I emphasize female is because years ago a gay, female rabbi would be inconceivable. The world has changed and institutions have to change as a consequence. And then she brought up racism and the need for we, as Jews, not to be complacent but act as social catalysts to propel a movement against the terrible negativity in the world, and this begins with a fight against racism and the tide against immigrants. She asked Jews to rally and help fight this negativity, and I, for one, am on board. I do this with my writing-I wage the fight, but now I feel it is imperative to find more than words, but action. How did the world become this way, the rabbi asked, a question I, too, have been asking myself as we spiral in this terrible campaign negativity. It is time to act.

Shimon Peres

I have been reading about the death of Shimon Peres, since in many ways he represents the vision for peace I have in my book, RONIT AND JAMIL. Mr. Peres had received a Nobel Peace Prize for the Oslo Accords, which he participated in. He had a vision for a better world, a vision of Israel that faded long ago. He dreamed the two state solution would happen, but it never did. At 93, he was like a 16 year old idealist. 

ASF

ASF is sponsoring a series of programs exploring how Jewish-Muslim relations in the pre-modern era are popularly portrayed as a precursor of conflict in the Middle East. This is so exciting, especially in light of my book, RONIT AND JAMIL. Historian Ross Brann (Cornell University) offers a rich and complex portrait of early Jewish-Muslim relationships, one that is characterized by creative dynamics of minority-majority interaction. How exciting! Check it out!