Marriage

This past Saturday, my friends Elissa and Max got married. Ira and I were asked to write a blessing about marriage and friendship. I quoted Camus:"Don't walk ahead of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Camus has captured the essence of what happens in a relationship when you are older. You are truly equals. Once the children, the domestic chores, the need to prove yourself at work have already happened, you are freed up to be equal partners in love, respect and friendship. There is no more tit for tat: I did this and you did that and on and on. The two partners are both free and independent people; consequently, there is nothing left to prove. Ira and I, in our blessing, elaborated the partnership of Elissa and Max, based on love, admiration and respect. They do not need each other; instead, they want each other. And they are fully formed people. In your twenties and even thirties, you are doing battle with becoming a person, establishing a sense of self, feeling confident and secure in your choices. This is such an evolutionary process, so that age group is often plagued with work and personal insecurities. And jealousy; others seem to have it better than you.

This is gone at sixty. I should know. I feel so confident in my voice, in my choices, in who I am, and I feel strength in that voice I did not have years ago. Of course, this idea of marrying later does not work, so you often marry younger because often procreation is such a motive for marriage. But you marry as an unformed person, and you have to struggle with your partner, who is also unformed. The divorce rate is often high because there are so many fights along the way as you discover who you are.

All of this is gone for Elissa and Max. They are two fully formed people, equal partners, both independent and so very happy. And I am so happy for them. I, too, feel happy that I fought the fight it takes to make my own marriage work, though the work was not always easy.